Misogyny and the Expectation to be Nice
Over and over again, women are forced to make excuses for misogynistic behavior and do the nice thing.
CW: sexual harassment and assault
Sexism is ingrained in all of us. And tell me, how often do we have to choose between that slightly uncomfortable interaction while upholding societal expectations of niceness or stand up for ourselves?
Society has been telling us that women are inferior for ages. Whether it’s in gender roles, media, or gaps in pay, we are all told that we are not equal to men or are simply here for their sexual objectification. As an outspoken woman, I’ve gotten into trouble more times than I can count. From the community theater director who got mad at me for asking questions to the boss who told me (in an email) to never share a counter-idea in front of others.
How often does that same misogynistic behavior lead to sexual harassment, or even assault?
The mental checklists I run through my head to keep myself safe is enough to drive anyone crazy. Should I walk alone at night? How am I prepared to defend myself? Did I share anything too related to my location on my social media? Is what I’m wearing too revealing? I love traveling and going on outdoor adventures by myself, and when I’m camping I’m always a little on guard. Nine out of ten times I probably have someone shockingly ask me if I’m alone, followed by “you’re so brave”. If I was a man would I be brave?
I shouldn’t be called brave for doing something I love. We should continually be raising young boys better and fighting against sexist and abusive behavior when we see it.
How often do women actually say something when they are harassed or assaulted? How often are they believed or even feel bad for defending themselves because that’s not being “nice”? What level of evidence is needed to make sure that she wasn’t asking for it or it even happened?
I have been sexually harassed to the point of feeling unsafe. I have had men try to argue their way into dating me or kissing me. I have been stalked on the internet, felt like I’ve had to be nice in uncomfortable situations, and have had to protect other women from men. I don’t think any of this is unusual or rare. It’s the reality of what women face everyday.
I know sometimes it feels like there is not much you can do to fight against the patriarchy. So here’s a few simple things that people of any gender can do:
Make space for women to share their opinion and actually listen
Believe women
Uplift and support women
Make sure that women in similar positions as you are making the same amount of money
Support women-led organizations, businesses, artists, restaurants, etc.
Read about the violence happening against women around the world and find ways to support them. Women shouldn’t be the only ones to bear the weight.
Bring awareness to your language and implicit biases against women (especially strong women)
Support women of all races, ethnicities, and cultures. Learn about the experiences of what it is to be an Asian, BIPOC, Muslim, or Latinx woman (and so on).
Combatting micro aggressions matter. Fighting for equal pay matters. Speaking up matters. And don’t forget, being nice isn’t an expectation when faced with violence and misogyny.
Disclaimer: this post is specifically focused on my experiences as a straight cis-gendered woman. There are many awful instances of sexual harassment and assault that include a wide spectrum of genders and identities. None of it is ever okay.
